Listening to: Pandora
Goodness, it's been a while since I checked in.
Sooo... What's happened since my last update... Well, I have graduated cosmetology school now. I'm the proud holder of a Cosmetology diploma and a certification in makeup artistry.
Graduating was a HUGE deal to me. This year of school was hell for me. The worst year of my life. I was bullied, mocked, stabbed in the back, treated like a fool... I've never felt so much like a social retard in my life. I was completely socially rejected and despised for at least half of my schooling. I hated myself. I had to go on antidepressants so I didn't go to the bathroom and slit my wrists on the worst days... And believe me, I came within inches of doing so several times this last year. I didn't want to finish school, much less LIVE when I was being bullied like this. Every day was a struggle. I felt so alone. I ate alone, I worked on projects alone, I sat alone, I studied alone. Wake up, be alone, go to sleep, repeat. That was my life for 6 months.
Luckily, I graduated into taking clients and as I was separated from my bullies and working with people that enjoyed my presence, I began to find some peace of mind, and I was able to talk about my troubles with fellow client-serving schoolmates. During that time, I found out that a hair competition a fellow student had used me as a model for had chosen us as finalists to be flown out to Las Vegas to compete in the second largest hair competition in the nation. We took 3rd place out of over 1,000 entries in the nation.
Suddenly, I was the model that placed in Trendvision. Tall, thin, pale, smart, and with award-winning hair. Suddenly, people wanted to talk to me. People were interested in me. I was able to show people who I was, and I began to make friends as the social outcasts like me began to pull together and relate to each other. Life started to suck less.
As I modeled more and more, more people in the school noticed me, but they also respected me. A huge change from earlier in the year. As I became the muse for a very important teacher in the school, people watched me to see if it would go to my head. It didn't. Newer students that didn't know me before I modeled had a respect for me because I was a model to them... But to me, I was still a student that hated herself and walked on eggshells around everyone because I was afraid of going back to being that scorned and bullied student I used to be... But as I gained friends that talked to me due to my modeling and began to get to know me, I became more secure. The respect I gained as being a model gave me a confidence to be myself (at least a refined, held back version of myself) for once. I started to fit in and be secure as I gained friends that I knew wouldn't turn on me. I could be myself and not care if people didn't like me. The ones that mattered were already by my side.
It seems shallow to gain friends because you are a model, but it wasn't that at all... It was just that being a model put me in the spotlight for more people to see, and it gave me the chance to show people who I was, not who they thought I was or who they heard I was. The people who saw who I was and liked me for it became my good friends. The ones I looked forward to seeing every day, and they me. That's when school became bearable.
Finally, after the novelty of me being a model wore off of everyone and just became part of our everyday lives, balance came to my schooling. I had friends, I had confidence, I had authoritative figures on my side, and I was separated from the people who bullied me, and those people became irrelevant to me. My friends, clients, and teachers liked me, so what more could I really ask for? You can't win everyone over. Fact is, modeling was the best choice I ever made in school.
Then it happened. State board class. The most important class one could be in during your time at school. This is the class that prepares you for the 6 hour test that all cosmetologists have to take in order to be licensed to work. You don't pass, you don't work. Simple as that.
Suddenly my bookishness came out, and people found out just how much I was a sponge for knowledge. At this point, I was already being called Google, but after State Board class and memorizing words, diseases, muscles, etc... People were coming to me for help on tests and for answers to questions. Now all the smart people AND the social outcasts were my friends, and the people that needed help on tests or studying were coming to me. Things were great.
Then I tried out For America's Next Top Model, practically forced to by multiple students in the school. People were rooting for me, making sure I went to the audition, asking if I got in, things like that... It was amazing. I'd never seen so many people care about what happened in my life. It touched my heart and made me want to cry for joy. It meant so much to me and helped me hold my head high. I still hated myself, but I hated myself a little less, and it was refreshing.
A month later, I graduated cosmetology school. I had people that were sad to see me go. People that brought me flowers and wanted to take pictures with me. People giving me hugs and wishing me well... It was enough to bring tears to my eyes to this moment. To go from a scorned, lonely, self-hating, suicidal social outcast to someone loved, respected, and able to carry her head up high... It really was an amazing and refreshing change. I came so far, and it was such an important moment for me to clock out for the last time and look at a diploma bearing my name and know the the year of hell and the year of dreams had finally come to an end was such an overwhelming feeling.
It's been a week now since I graduated, and the reality has only just now sunk in. I feel like 30 pounds has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel like I got my life back. I listen to music for fun now, and not for comfort. I sleep in. I stay up late. I play video games, and go to Disneyland. I picked up hobbies again. I feel like I could spontaneously do a cartwheel for joy whenever I want. I'm HAPPY.
I'm in the process of weaning myself off my antidepressants now. I'm hoping to stay off of them if I can. I can't wait to get my license and get a job so I can move on with my life and start planning my wedding. I hope to model more. I have made a Model Mayhem account and I hope to put myself out there for more modeling opportunities as I go. I'm excited to see where life takes me, but as for right now, I need to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll check in more often now. If you made it all the way to this point in the journal, thanks for taking the time to read! Catch up with you soon! (maybe)